CHOSEN TO LOVE MY CHILDREN

Adoption is a fact of my life for sure. But I’ve already told you that story – today I want to talk about my own kids.

In 1987, I left a pretty bad marriage with a three-year-old daughter and a 14-month-old son in tow. I knew that I had to get far enough away to make a fresh start, so I moved my little family several hours away from the small town where we had been living.

The kiddos, right before we moved.

It is absolutely true that it is difficult to leave a bad situation, even in the face of danger, because it’s impossible to see a life beyond the current circumstances. But it is also because of feeling guilt and shame – over failure, poor choices, impact on others. Shame can be overwhelming, and it was certainly paralyzing for me.

Strangely the last straw was a financial one, and looking back I think I finally got mad enough for the anger to override any guilt and shame. Thankfully he let me go without much of a fight, and we were divorced shortly after I moved. Child support was another matter – he paid little, and not very often.

His involvement with the kids was spotty at best, simply painful at its worst. He promised them the moon, and delivered mud. He was absent even while living relatively close by, and when he moved to Arizona soon after our divorce, they only saw him once. His calls were sporadic and left the kids hopeful, and then devastated when what he promised them never came true.

I met Greg not too long after I moved to Lawrence, and we married in October of 1988.

Our wedding day. The kids walked me down the aisle.

I won’t mislead you into thinking that our start was all sunshine and roses. Both of us were badly wounded from our previous marriages, and we approached things with this attitude: “I don’t need you. In fact, I’m never gonna need you because look what happened last time.” Not a super healthy or hopeful way to go into a marriage, but go we did.

Even as we struggled with some of our own junk, it was strikingly obvious that he loved my kids. They loved him fully and completely, and even as they continued to experience pain from the failed promises of their dad, they began to trust in Greg’s love for them. They also knew early on that he was their protector.

Remember how I said they visited their dad only once after he moved? He took them to Disneyland … there’s a cliche if you ever heard one, the Disneyland dad. My daughter came home from that trip with a broken nose and a badly bruised face (no medical care sought of course), and while he was full of excuses, I vowed NEVER AGAIN.

In the end my vow didn’t matter much, because that was the last time he saw them.

The meager child support stopped coming. Abruptly. I went to court, and they slapped his hand, but still, no child support. He was already a year and a half behind on payments.

As I debated another court battle, Greg made the offer of a lifetime.

Let’s call him and offer to trade.” Trade?

Yes.

Greg’s proposal was to trade “forgiveness” of the child support debt in exchange for my ex severing his parental rights and allowing Greg to adopt the kids.

And so we called. My ex said he needed some time to think about it. Of course he did! This was not some small decision to make right?

Wrong.

He called back right away, after talking to his father who told him: “Cut your losses.”

It took him 20 minutes to give up his children.

I was filled with joy, and relief … and more anger than I’d ever felt in my life. It was shocking, and it was stunningly beautiful. We began the process, and he signed the papers and sent them back without a peep. Anger flared again briefly, but what remained was relief, and joy.

And so it was that only a few months after we got married, Greg and I stood before a judge with those lovely sweet children. Without hesitation, Greg not only accepted them as his own, but he fully entered into a lifetime of parenting them beside me. Without hesitation.

Fast forward 36 years. I can look back and say what a blessing it was to not have a “house divided” by continued contact with my ex. I can look back and say that Greg never looked back. I can say today that he has never considered them “less-than” his own … I don’t believe that would ever occurs to him. I can say that the kids never thought of him as anything other than their dad. He is the only one for them. The fact of their adoption is so woven into the fabric of our lives that it doesn’t even enter our consciousness much anymore. Sometimes, though, we get to tell the beautiful story of how God knitted us all together, forever and ever Amen. This is one of those times.

Those precious children have been cared for, protected, and loved like crazy by Greg for more than 36 years now. I can’t imagine our lives any other way, and I am grateful beyond what these words can express.

What if we really knew how much God loves us, what if we truly understood what He thinks of us. What if we actually lived in the light of that, resting in His care, protection and love. Doesn’t that change everything? Let’s try.

Love, Angie