I’m fine, really!

This is invisible illness week, and my thoughts about it turned into these words.

——

Every day I do my best

To look ok

So people don’t know I’m sick

Except 

I really need some of them to know

That I can barely move most mornings

Because everything hurts 

That my meds make me sick

That my hair falls out

That I can’t handle the heat

That I have lesions

In my brain

On my spinal cord

On my liver and 

In my lungs

Which means 

My memory is bad and 

My balance is terrible

Among other things 

That my immune system 

Has taken a leave of absence

And so every virus finds me 

That I have bruises everywhere

That I have 24 doctors and 

It’s hard to keep them straight

That I’ve had so many surgeries 

I’ve lost track

That the debilitating fatigue means

I’ve suddenly run out of energy 

and 

I can’t think

Or finish a sentence

Or follow a conversation 

Unless I sleep

Full stop

And it happens

At least twice a day

That my husband’s life has also changed

(He meant his vows and proves it

Over and over again)

That sometimes I have flares 

Which make everything worse

And it comes with a whole other 

Bag of problems

Like I need more meds

To empty the bag

And the meds make me sick 

And I never know

How long it will last

Or what I might lose 

And I never know which thing 

Is causing how I feel

That I do battle 

With insurance companies constantly

That there is so much I’m leaving out. 

BUT

What I really need you to know 

Is that I’m ok

I’ve made my peace

And each new thing

Just means

“Oh so we’re doing this now!”

I’ve lowered the bar

And it was too high anyway 

If I’m chosen by God

(And I am)

If I believe the Bible is true

(And I do)

Then it doesn’t matter how I feel

Because 

I am fearfully and

Wonderfully made

All my days were laid out by Him

Before I was even born

And He has promised 

That He has good plans for me

A hope and a future

If I choose to believe it 

If I choose hope

If I don’t choose anxiety

If I look for the bright side 

(Because there always is one)

If I stay grateful 

And

If I choose Jesus

Then I find peace.