Have you ever gotten a bit of advice, solicited or not, that hit you between the eyes and never lets you go? This phrase is one of those things for me: Assume the best.
I first heard it in the context of a struggle I had with getting my feelings hurt over and over (and over) by someone who loves me. That last part – someone who loves me – is what made this phrase resonate so much. I realized I was choosing to be insulted, hurt, offended, whatever, when the truth is they mostly didn’t intend their words that way.
What do I need to take their words at face value instead of needlessly letting them attach to my soul? What I need is to trust – trust that this person has my best interests in mind. Why is that hard? Because people have let me down. People I trusted have intentionally hurt me. You too, you say?
But what about for someone who has not hurt me intentionally, has not let me down on purpose, and who looks out for me at every turn? Have they not earned my trust? If they have, will I give it?
If I refuse to trust in this circumstance, that says more about me than them. That says no matter what you do I will never trust you. That leads to hopelessness and finger pointing and eventually, they will give up. Why bother?
So I must choose whether to take them at their word. “How I take it” is often based much more on old tapes that play in my head than the actual words you said. But if I’m not careful I project that pain, assume the worst, and perhaps even start a fight. (Sad but true.)
Sometimes hurtful things will still get said, yes, but if the relationship is built on trust there can be a conversation about it, not a battle.
And when I do that, assume the best, I find peace. If I truly choose to believe that the words were not meant the way I took it, then my angst goes away and we can move forward.
There’s a lot of untangling that needs done here, right?
Sometimes we do need to cut ties with people who can’t be trusted. I’m not saying never to do that, or to just lay down and let someone walk all over us. What I am saying is that we need to examine our hurt feelings carefully when they come from someone who cares about us.
Am I reacting to the words, or to something else? Am I letting old wounds color current situations? Am I being fair?
I’m also not saying to just shut up and take insults. Some of these situations absolutely need a conversation, but if I go into it assuming the best about this person that loves me, my experience has been that I do a whole lot less finger pointing and a lot more listening.
This is hard, and it takes practice, and two willing parties, and honest conversations to arrive at a point of mutual trust, the kind that can’t be broken with a few unthinking words. But within those conversations forgiveness happens, and love wins.
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