DAY 13: PERFECTION

I’m a recovering perfectionist.

It’s always been very important to me to get things just right. And by “things” I mean anything. From the big stuff like parenting and career and marriage, to the lesser things like cooking dinner or … writing something.  “Good enough” has never been good enough for me. And mistakes? NOT ALLOWED.

Here are a few ways perfectionism likes to show up in my life:

–       Imposter syndrome. This happens most often when someone tells me I do a good job. My brain says, “Oh if they really knew you, they’d know better.” This is crippling in the workplace, in ministry, in relationships … in life. I have always doubted myself and therefore doubted the truth of anyone’s kind words.

–       Anxiety. Also crippling. I worry about whether I actually have the ability to do the thing, whatever it is. I worry about letting people down. I worry about doing it wrong, and what the consequences might be. Which goes hand in hand with …

–       Fear of failure. I am my own biggest critic. I have discovered that what I consider failure is often not, and even if it is, I have learned some of the most important lessons of my life from failing. But the thought of it! Panic rising.

Where does this lead me? To Perfectionist Paralysis (PP for short). The more I think about it, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the less likely I am to even start. Getting started on anything that has a lot of pieces, or that is critically important for some reason – that’s a formula for PP.

Inside my brain sound like this: “C’mon girl, you know you’re not that good. Why would you even think you could do that? And what horrible thing might happen if you fail?”

Do you see it? Imposter syndrome followed by anxiety and fear. And PP.

But one day God gave me a brain cleanse on this subject. You know what? THERE IS ONLY ONE PERFECT and it’s God not me. So who do I think I am trying to be perfect? Am I trying to set myself up as His equal? Of course these were not conscious thoughts, but the truth remains. If I am trying to be perfect, I’m trying to be God. Period. That’ll take the wind out of your sails – in a very good way.

Excellence? Yes. Progress? Definitely. But I am mostly over perfectionism – mostly. It still rears its head most often when I’m writing, so doing this 30 day challenge has been a stretch and very good for me.

I’m learning to live in “when is good enough good enough?” And “progress over perfection.” It’s an overhaul of my thinking, let me tell ya! A much-needed one too – what a relief!