Wow you guys. Thanks for reading my last post … the response was almost overwhelming to me. Your messages of “me too!” and “I’m praying for you” both helped me to remember that I am not alone, and people are caring about and praying for me.
Both matter to me, a lot.
So thank you for hearing, and for saying all the stuff I forget to remember.
I think I will go a little farther down that road today. I want you to know what I feel like, because maybe you do too and you feel guilt and shame and that your mind is your enemy. I want you to know because maybe you don’t know what to do or say or how to care for the struggling ones around you.
First, though, I must make this disclaimer:
What I am about to tell you is what this season looks like for ME, and not everyone is like me and not everyone experiences these things and if yours looks a little different (or a lot different) it doesn’t mean your struggle is not legit. But maybe there is still something relatable here for all of us no matter what world we’re living in right now.
So here goes.
Sometimes I have to put “take a shower” on my to-do list for today.
Sometimes I still don’t do it.
Sometimes I don’t care if my house is even remotely clean.
Sometimes I forget to do laundry and I run out of underwear.
Sometimes I eat all day long.
Sometimes I don’t eat at all.
Sometimes I sit in my recliner and Netflix binge and color all day long.
Sometimes I forget what I was going to say or I just can’t find my words at all.
Sometimes I sleep and sleep.
Sometimes I don’t sleep at all.
Sometimes I just can’t take your phone call.
Sometimes I cancel plans with you.
Sometimes my social anxiety is so crippling that the thought of a gathering makes me cry.
Sometimes I am so so sad and I don’t even know why.
Sometimes I do know why and I still just can’t get over it.
Often I isolate. I’m so far up inside my head that I can’t be anywhere else.
Sometimes I am busy and it makes me feel better for a little while but then I don’t anymore and I thought I was better and I can’t understand what just happened.
Sometimes life seems pointless because I can’t see a second in front of me and time moves so slowly and I am blind to where I am going, and then hopelessness can engulf me.
Here’s a good overall illustration:
Because sadness is there but all the other stuff is there too and at any given time one of these things may overwhelm all the others.
I said my mind is my enemy. A lot of those descriptive words, if not all of them, happen inside my brain. And I sit in the silence of guilt and shame and wish I could just “get on with it.” Whatever it is. Whatever I’m avoiding. Whatever I’m doing or not doing. Guilty thoughts are my constant companion.
Sometimes my thoughts swirl in an endless circle that never accomplish anything and even though I MIGHT be aware of it I can’t make it stop.
Sometimes, honestly, well-meaning folks, even those who love me, are not helpful. Sometimes they make me feel worse.
If you don’t know what to say, these are good.
But keep your expectations low, because even if you say all the right things I may still seem like I’m pulling away but trust me I heard you and what you said matters.
If you are reading this, if just one single person reads this and it makes them say “me too” or “there’s something I never knew before,” then it was worth it to tell you these often embarrassing things that happen to me. That are happening to me even now.
I yearn to “just get over it,” and I think that by February or so this mess will lift and leave me alone, and in the meantime I will remember that no matter what I feel or don’t feel, do or don’t do, Jesus does NOT want me to live in shame and guilt. He wants me to live free in the light of his love for me. I will remember the past times when he showed up big and trust that he will show up again. That his mercy and grace can override my pain, that if (when) I can get out of my own destructive brain he is right there waiting for me.
Sometimes I just can’t get this. I believe it to be true for you, and that helps me to understand that it MUST be true for me no matter how I feel right now.
He is the light at the end of this tunnel. Even in the darkness, He waits. He is for me. He has plans for me. And when this episode is over, He will be standing there and I will see that He was there all along. THAT’s what keeps me moving through the tunnel.
Sometimes I forget this. But he is for me. Whether I remember or not, he is for me. He will not abandon me. He extends grace and mercy to me even when I can’t extend it to myself. Maybe even more then, because he knows I need him to reorganize my brain and see myself as he sees me.
He is a mighty Savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.
Can you imagine?? He is rejoicing over YOU. He is singing a happy song about YOU.
Hang in there, dear ones.